A LETTER TO MYSELF

I have seen and observed many people in my life so far. I have studied their characters, their personalities and have even heard a few of their personal matters. I never knew I was a good listener when someone needs to talk until it was told to me by my friend. I had learnt a lot. I believed I had reached the top most discipline of a mankind. I never thought being good to people, never hurting them and ignoring bad things that happened to me could give my life a freedom of heaven.

Those were the days. The days when I was least bothered about myself, about my future or my past. But it was always about one aim. The aim that lets me win my life. The aim that I was here for, that I was known for and that I was very proud of. My guidelines to it gave me hints. My observations were my lessons. The people I meet, things that I do, entertainments, my family, my friends, talking to myself, loneliness and everything else I look at had some kind of information for me. An information that made me different.

A year back from now…all these disappeared.

I happened to look at something very unusual, something I was aware of but I never wanted. It had everything. Everything a person wants. Everything nobody could ignore…neither did I. Days passed and I went closer and closer to it, wondering. I felt its strength, it was much powerful the closer I got. I became so weak. It demanded things and I was ready to do anything it wanted. And slowly it made me its slave. I was no more…ME.

Nothing in me was mine. Nothing in this world was. All I was worried about, all I could think of and anything I ever wanted in my life was something I could never figure out what it was. I only felt it. And believe me, it was beautiful.

I began to talk with it. Anything it said was completely different. Very perfect. It knew so much more than I did. It took me to the different world. Yet things in here were all the same I had seen before. And so were the people around. The only difference I could see was in myself. I was nothing.

I realized I had lost everything I had saved for myself to that something I never knew. I had no confidence left. I panicked. I feared everything. For the first time in my life I was afraid.

Everything that was happening to me in this world was what I was against at before. I couldn’t control myself from worries. My own character changed. I behaved different. Ego got into me. I was jealous, stubborn, selfish. I became detached from everyone. Things turned their back on me and walked away. And so did the only one I ever trusted and I had ever believed in as well. That was the moment when I realized…it was HER. The most beautiful girl I had ever been with.

She looks back for one last time and disappears. The last light I could ever see again was never mine. My tear falling off my face was what I could only feel. And me standing alone was what I only knew.

I had never been good to myself. I could never ignore the bad things I had done to me. I never forgave myself for it. And here was the freedom…of HELL.

-I ME & MYSELF.